Dumb Things My Friends Say


Purple means it has been said by a teacher. Those are extra special.

2018/2019 – Grade 12

“feel free to u-use me however you’d like, senpai”
“The air isn’t salty”
“The meat feels good on my stomach”

“We went to mayo because we were like ‘hey that’d be a fun detour'” “You’re literally the whitest people”

“Darryl don’t you EVER talk about my wee wee”

“We’re doing africa now”

“Are your pearls firm?”

“Jesus Christ on a lubed up totem pole”

“When the cock came out of your mouth, you knew”

“If the voyageurs could do it with their canoes, you can do it with your car”

“If you don’t do it, we will. And we’ll put it on the wall after you graduate, so your inability to hand things in will be your legacy”

“If you won’t let me in I will make me be in”

[about snoopy flash drive] “I like to imagine I can hear him screaming when I pull it out of the back of his head. Woodstock would not scream”

“Oh, like a swastika” “what” “You know what I meant, we’re both Austrian”

“ITS NOT A PERSON; I CAN OWN IT” [classmate snaps finger]

“I wanna see the man filter”

“Keep talking while I erase the swastikas from my paper”


“Hey what’s the deal with milk?”

“This is why I only cry when fully surrounded by a beekeeping suit”

“One day tiny Eric’s head is just gonna come off. Every day he gets more and more decapitated.”

“Most middle aged men don’t need adult diapers”

“I like to think about my students in chalk outlines”

“Ethan stop making fanfics about these kids”

“I’m so excited because you guys are so sad!”

“Yeah, beat those kids”

“I have seven forks”

“I forgot he was a little kid….   ….I thought he’d just be like, ‘oh cool a red dot’ but he somersaulted out of the way and hid behind a desk”

“…and then the laser is like, ‘haha’” 

“Avoid exposure with this hole”

“Oh my god, silky soft Eugene”

“It’s with Eugene. So like, there’ll probably be cats. And lightning. And maybe a dead body.”

“You got a sickle on your nipple and a hammer in your armpit”

“So this is my hand trying to fit in the smallest possible…. Why do I say things”

“Welcome to Jakob’s Sex Truck™? He’s suckin’ fluid”

“Ok, I didn’t swallow it. It went in my mouth and I spat it out ‘cuz it tasted awful”

“There was a lot of crying, and it wasn’t planned for in my MUN class”

“There is a lot of Darryl in the Ranch”

“The cock cannot give succ; only receive.”

“Wet dreams aren’t consensual”

“That’s what friends are for; coming up with pyramid schemes together”

“OK now bring your heads closer together… and pat pat pat pat pat pat

“If you can’t find me, it’s because I’m in the murder room. Don’t worry though, I’ll be coming back.   …All of us will be coming back, not just me. Plot twist! My class sizes are just too big”

“So we’ll need groups of three. Or maybe four people can pull it off.” “Pull what off?”

“Only three people can fit in because it’s a room full of torsos”

“Ethan getting molested by a sparrow. I would pay to see that.”

“UWUUUUU… end me

“All you need, is your pee-pee in their… socket.”

“One nipple’s all I need”

“All he needs is two arms and two legs” “And nothing else. He’ll find a way to fuck it”


“Sin is cute.   Well, its cute when they [little kids] ask about it”

“Squirting’s the best I love squirting”

“Stop tugging on that, that’s mine”

“Alright prepare for the big squirts”

“Eyebrows are a hair”

“Sentient Scalp”

“I am the brain injury”

“She’s my favourite brain injury”

“If you had some lighter fluid and a match, Nidhi could throw it at you and fwoosh now nobody has to worry about it”

“You’re not allowed in younger kids”

“Gather ‘round, children. It’s like a fun lockdown!”

“There was just a guy and a mullet and that was all I could see”

“Hey, one mark is better than….. … …less than that”

[whispering] “Torchchicken.”

“Every day is Oreo day!”

“Here do you want my wet Kleenex?”

“Don’t tape your bird to anything, Nidhi.”

“I AM the red marker”

“He’s grabbing my pocket this is sex”

“Did I sleep with the premier?”

“I need you to find your angry granny”

“Don’t get high on your own supply”



“Kushal let me put my cucumber in your mouth” Kushal: triumphantly “Your cucumber is in my mouth!”

“As they say in Equador, Bonjour”

“I don’t care if you don’t want it, you’re taking it anyway.”

“But those last in your mouth longer”

“Drills do not make comfortable holes.”

“My Mind was filled with blowjobs”

“Mine are like the German Shepherd of moons.”

“You caused the wetness”

Whispering “Snatch Patch”

“Snatch Patch”

“Haaaaah its a joke cuz you’re making fun of him and his ability to have sex”

“Stop inserting words into my mouth”

“My words will penetrate your mouth”

“Who knows, is it an electron or is it your ancestors?”

“I assume everything is straight unless proven otherwise”


Singing “Do you want to get hanged with my sweater”

Doing the hand gesture for sex “this is the best hand rule” “For thrust” “And jerk”

“oh, anything can be jerked”

“Jakob we are gonna put your head on this”

“I’m beating them off with my bone”

Excitedly “I made a noose out of my sweater!!”

“I can’t f him because he still won a prize”

I’m a puddle I’m always wet

“It’s getting pretty steamy in here”

“Just give it a year and you’ll be a sexual predator, ethan”

“I’m gonna fuck Chris”

“I’ll suck and juice you”

“I’m sucking my juice”

“Ethan please don’t screw me”

“I screwed you so hard”

“I’m not pausing ‘cuz there’s a naked woman in the show… normally that’s a reason to continue but I digress”

“I told you, stop giving hand-jobs to Nick” “You can’t tell me what to do!!”

“A drop of dawn and SHE TOOK THE FUCKING KIDS”

“Oh what’s it called… A GIANT ANAL CLEANSE. That’s what it was – a political enema”


“I splashed it everywhere, and then THUD”

Grabs more than a drop of Dawn™ “Oh no, that’s genocide”

“It’s illegal to be non-homosexual”

“We need the BIG SWEAT”

“A drop of dawn and that oil tanker’s gone”

“A drop of dawn and nick’s virginity is gone”

“Yeah! I’m daddy long-legs!” “He’s my daddy”

“Do you want the cut? Or do you want the nut?”

said with surprise “Oh- its so THICK”


“Let me shove my nose in that meat”

“Stop putting your meat on me”

“I love shoving wieners into my mouth!”

“It’s only hard if you let it be”

“I’ll stroke Chris”

“I think you fucked your tooth”

“I’ll necc your ster”

“Hi Ethan FUCK NICK”

“It’s easy to get rid of Myanmar!”

“I’m gonna neck you”

“The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.” moans orgasmically

“You can arouse people with your knowledge of chem 30”

“I made it into his hole that’s all I wanted”

“I can’t touch people with these gloves! they’re my anti-touching gloves!”

throws hands up in the air and shakes “Self defense!!!!”

“If you have a small tick you can go longer, if you have a fast tick you can go harder” “REPLACE THE T WITH D ;)”

“where’s your middle leg, Nick? It has an optional bone….” winks

“wait, who was touching me?”

“I don’t fantasize about myself…. Only other people”

“I need something better to fiddle with, this is too small for my fingers”

“He’s not noble, he’s horny”

“I don’t remember who I did” “You did the two girls, yknow, whats their faces”

“If you’re ever getting beheaded, just jerk off and focus on that”

on the topic of semicolons “It’s like, donairs and pizza.”

“It’s like, two holes that are apart but go together”

“I accidentally finished my cum test”

“Chris is the abortion man!” “Wait so his superpower is abortion?” Editor’s note – Clearly his parents didn’t have that superpower.  -J

“Well open up your pants then little buddy”

“My fetish is beating babies with rocks”

“Oh no! I accidentally made a lot of babies! no! I made love to all the babies! I’m being shot at because of my love of babies!”


“One small bomb and that could take the class out”

“You wanna bang a goat? I don’t give a crap unless it’s my goat”


“6+2 is 8 so I’m just gonna call it perfect”

“Said with a heavy germish accent”

“Kushal is doing me”

“I’ll always touch you”

“y-you don’t have to feed your kids if they have an iPad!”

“I’m supposed to be sucking, not pushing it down”

“You smell like rubber ban.”

“Thicc.”  “Shut.”

“Quentin’s my daddy. Daddy quent. DADDY QUENT”

“He BEAT Emily’s ass”

“…With the soviet theme song playing”

“Oh god now I have a 7th grader calling me senpai”

Said with despair “Noooo I don’t need to get addicted to anything elseeeee”

at the GSA meeting “So, do you guys have some sort of agenda?” 

“Stop squirting on Ethan!”

“If you’re ace and you don’t feel sexual attraction but you do feel romantic attraction…. Do you have a heart-on?”

“I want them younger”

“No more ‘is it soft?’ ‘is it hard?’ Now it’s always hard!!!”

while moaning “No senpai! Not there!”

“Senpai is coming in my..”

“Blame the internet man”

“My day got considerably worse when I realized the sword had hentai on it”

“If you’re going to cheat, do it well”

“Hey baby lemme get a glimpse of those shoulders” moans sexually

“Something you do makes only the hair vibrate.”

sieg-heiling “Grappling hook!”

“Where are the good old days of child abuse?”

“Guard your loins, ladies. My hair is slowly dying”

“Take the stickiness on the neck”

“Ethan look at my breasts wiggle!”

“Wait they wiggle!”

“I’ll just put it as ‘caressing forehead’”

“This is gonna hurt my knees”

“I will assert my dominance with my spike”

“That was my aggression towards the whiteboard”

“Ethan, please don’t screw me”

“I screwed you so hard”

“Its getting pretty steamy in here”

“You caused the wetness”

“Ah, that’d be what all the vibrating was”

to Ethan “I’m better at doing you than you”

jumps up and knocks over chair “FIRETRUCK”


“Put the carburetor in the spark plug!…?”

“I’ll give you the biggest, hardest one”

“Are we german again today?”  “Yes we’re german today”

slams fist on table “TOUCH ME”

“Ethan why are you trying to lick my neck?”

“I’m going to go make love to Griffin in the washroom”

“Are you less okay than less not.. gay?”

“The electricity has entered my hand.    …… . . . Let me touch you”

Holding macbook power cord “This is death”

“So.. when the egg comes out and touches the penis…”

said with disdain “Oh. My parents are being sexified”

“It’s almost an inch” “Yeah it’s about three inches off of being an inch – wait what”

“Hello apple. You are hot. Let me eat you”

“It’s beard puberty!”

Looking at photo of Stalin “Now that’s the man”

“Ethan and I gangbanged the wolves”

“I like when people throw money at me. I’m in the wrong profession!

“Take me daddy. Take me home. To the place you know”

“Choke me daddy”

“We’ve got the meat”

“Do you want the beat? Or do you want the meat?”

“Nick I’m gonna give you oral vibrato”

“Chris this is gonna bother you, you’re my son and I’m sorry. You wanna know what I was doing? ….Gooseberry Tea.”  Chris: “I’m disowning myself”

“I’ll make it thicker, then it’ll work.”

to Emily, with genuine disbelief “YOU LOOK TIRED AND YOUR SKIN IS REALLY SOFT”


“I just came in the wrong way 3 times”

“Eva squirted all over my shirt and now it’s wet”

“We all look at things that are zero; maybe that’s why I was so popular in high school!”

Said with immense surprise “It’s so much bigger than it looked in the picture!!!!”


“I haven’t been on the quotes list yet”

Floofs Jakob’s hair “There’s so much of it?!?!?!”

“It is me! Spider-man! Wait no, Man-spider! Wait no, Fake-Man!!!!”

“So what if instead of heads, people just had an ear?”


“I would happily eat a baby to save my family!”

“Like grade 8s and 9s, their brains are designed to get hit by cars”

[in an aggressive voice with a hint of satisfaction] “But I got the lactating mothers.”


“Mine is looser than yours – wait what?”

“Shrooms are medication for reality”

“Don’t drop the soap, or you’ll get a big grope. Words to live by.”

“I’ll gulp your big central”

2017/2018 – Grade 11

“I’m gonna flap my shrimp if I wanna flap my shrimp!!!”

[Shoving something into their pocket] “It doesn’t go any deeper than that!!”

“Ethan’s gonna blow the tornado” “You can blow anything if you try hard enough”

“My purpose in life is to juice Hunter”


“Don’t sexually lick your fingers after eating my long stringy bean”

“If you touch, I touch you.”

running towards Chris with mouth open “DO YOU SEE ANY ACORNS?!?!?!”

“Use your appendages to your benefit”

“Sexual Harassment. By Nick.”

“He can do it longer. I can do it harder”

“I am getting stimulated”

“In a satanic ritual, your groin was chopped off”

During ‘kill kiss marry’ “It’s not about the end result. It is about the attempt”

“I beat myself to death”

“I can’t handle big loads like you, Chris.”

“I lost my virginity the day I met Jakob” (Editor’s note: No.)

“I deepthroat footlong dong all the time”

“It’s so sticky, and hard”


“No, it has to be! You blow with the wood!!”

“I sent you guys some crabs this morning”

“That was like you blowing me in a different way”

slices finger open  “Suck yourself.”

“Say a casual racist comment. GO.”

after announcements “Joe Rankin? That’s a bus!”

“But then again I get to stare at a girl for an hour”

“I’m a drummer, so I’m good at sticking things right”

“I am tempted by the jerky”

“Ghadana. It’s like Ghandi plus Madonna. The power couple of the 18th century.”

“How about them deep inhale lush zucchinis”

“I’ll jerk your beef”


“I wanna touch you in spaghett!!!!”

“I’m stuffing my newfound glory in a hole”

“Well I have horrible blowing skills”

“If you bone it you own it”

“Getting down low with Vinny over here”


“I can’t turn it on!!”  “I’ll turn you on – Wait no”

“Stop jamming Kaylea into places they don’t want to go – like my hard drive”

“The only reason I’m taking physics is so I know the most aerodynamic way to hump people”


“My dick is as soft as a puppy. Wait, puppies aren’t very soft. It’s as soft as a soft thing – A baby’s face!”

“Ding dongs aren’t bent like a moon”

“Eat a stick.” “DIE IN A CAR CRASH”

“Your existence gives me a brain tumor”

“I’ll fuck your cuck if you give me some succ”

“I am no credit card.”

“Don’t whack me with your big stick”

“Why are you molesting my sandwich?”

“I sleep with Nick in his basement all the time!”

“I need more spicy food. I can’t do this sober”

“Do you like my snack crotch?”

“That’s right, ladies, I have my shorts off”

“I almost dropped this into the wet”


“Kick, lick, Chris’ fun stick”

whispered aggressively “I wanna thrust holocaust”  “I mean, same thing”

“Chris if you ever become a terrorist can you sync your gun with Justin Beiber’s ‘baby’?”

“When life gives you lemons be glad it’s not herpes.”

“And then Nick’s balls were never the same.”

“My wrists are very firm, thank you very much”

“Do you ever have one of those days where your eyes are slowly leaking?”

“Bush did my shorts”


“You’re inside me a lot”

“I don’t want your cream on my”

“You don’t want to beat my long one? Chris wants my long one.”

“Do you have a thing for tentacles?”

“Why don’t you stick stick in my dick”

“You’d be surprised what zucchini can go into!!”

“Children have mouths too!”

“Whatever you put in here I’m sucking down pretty fast”

“Oh we can mate then! Come here, jitterbug, lemme dugger your nug”


“Nick choked on his cucumber”

aggressively touching Nick “SWALLOW”

“Don’t you hate it when you’re hitting it from behind and it turns out she’s dead?”

“You’re about to be fingered in all locations”

“When is Pi day? Like, what day is that?”

“I wanna rape a desktop application”

“It’s always good to touch your pubes”

“He gets horny when he looks at a swimming pool” “Well he teaches kids so…”

referring to a teacher “That is a beefy boy”

“I’m a better bushwhacker than you”

“Picasso was the guy who sprayed stuff…?”

“Griffin’s a prostitute? I’ll have to rent him sometime”

“I thought you were shipping Chris with a thick cat”

“That cat’s thicc”

“Noooo you gave it a nipple”

“Chris where’s the D”

“Please fist my bum”

“I’m sexually abusing a man’s nuts”

“Stop touching me in places I don’t want you aaaaahhhhh I’m being assaulted”

“I wish I could bite fingers off like carrots”

“I’m eating carrots very sexually”

“People who sell children’s organs are called entrepreneurs”

“I wonder if we can calculate the drop time it takes for a dead baby to fall off a cliff”

“Nick stop orgasming over Roblox” in high pitched voice: “UUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH”

“Hey baby, d’ya want some cheeeeeseeeee?”

“Cuz Ms Taylor didn’t want wetness on the floor”

“I’ll chew your sensations”

“Now that’s a horny teddy bear”

“You could hear my nose screaming in pain”

in a seductive tone “Musical Milk.”

“You’re a dingle bingle”

“Why don’t you do it like a normal person, instead of sucking your lips over the round part”

“The thing is, I don’t do it normally. I just suck in”

“Stop rubbing your banana on him!”

“Please squish my squishy thing”

“please squish my squishy thing”

“I want to shove 8 steak knives up my ass”

“Don’t do coffins! Condoms!”

“Sometimes i like when my fingers look like spiders. Don’t you want my fingers? Come to my spider party.”  “I’m not coming at your spider party”

“I can’t abstain!”

“I can’t finger fast enough!!!”

“Let’s sort them by color!”

“I feel bad for people with weak morals”

“Where’s my bouncy boner”

“Yo what’s another mythological bird?”  “Uh Onion”

“Think of yawning as an orgasm”

“You can’t say happiness without penis” “You say what you want”

“Go with your tongue, not with your heart”

“I’m not good at blowing…”

“Do you let him eat whatever he wants?”  “It depends what you mean by ‘eat’”

“It’s too tight if there’s any hair there”

“Chris should name his child Lepper. You know, like leprechauns because he’s Irish”

“You’re like Harvey Weinstein, you’re touching me uncontrollably”

“Hitler is the second coming of Jesus”

“My thumb is a thumb. That’s the end of my poem”

“I’m gonna get fisted, I swear”

“But I wanna flash all the kids!”

“Man and mother earth? There’s a hentai for it”

“I call BJing Griffin”


“It gives me great pleasure to know that small children will be beating each other up because I drive by”

“Abuse your wife, not your children!”

“Hey let’s buy the THRUSTMASTER”

“It was worth saying the quote, not mating with the elephant”

“What, you’ve never mated with an elephant before?”

“What does BDSM stand for? Big Dingle Single Moms?”

“We’re only hard when you’re taking three at a time”

“Okay Chris I’m gonna touch you up”

“Y’know what’d look cute on a porg? A little SS cap!”

“You’re like a walking mouth!”

“The cauliflower is getting extremely wet extremely fast!”

“Rape the children ‘cuz it’s fun!”

“Half of me wants Batman’s coke boner but I can’t have that.”

“I want you to flick my butt harder with a beverage”

“Wow! Nick’s a slave owner!”

“If you tongue all over, it’s the greatest thing.”    “I’m aware”

“I should’ve saved my Chinese DICK”

“I saved pulling out for a special occasion!”

“The black and the white shall not mix!”

“Let’s film this shit or I’ll eat your clit”

Talking about the rwandan genocide “It’s gonna get saucy, get a napkin!”

“I couldn’t just douse it in gasolin– actually, that would be cheaper…”

“I’m locked and loaded with reindeer tits”

“I’m Hillary Clinton’s gay lover who gave her an STD”

“Mmmmm, I just drank Nick”

“That’s a one way ticket to terrorism”

“Noooo not my autism!!”

“Why would you eat that? Imagine how many people have been rubbing their fingers all over that!”

“Everyone wants to capitalize on christianity!”

“That’s a massage. The flopping- All I can imagine is you driving a fish, flopping on the road”

“My hands are knives! I know what I must do…”

“Why do you keep it 10 feet big??”

“Don’t get blood on the muffin!”

“I only have a decent computer. Because… [finger snap] women.

“It’s just the slight vibration…”

“This is the female hormone cycle. It explains all of it.”

“Your cocaine is incorrect”

“It’s only rape if they find out”

“If you’re more comfortable filming small children… then that’s okay. They’ll be easier.”

“It went all the way in, and hurt to pull out..”

“Score His Autism!!!!”

“I’ll ASMR your GAY-SMR”

“Wh-Where do I put it in, Jakob??”

“Imagine if men could get pregnant and give birth by having their nuts explode into babies”


“I hate logic, cuz it makes sense”

“Why the fudge does the p start with pickle????”

“Sam, stop making me think of child prostitution!”

“I don’t drink cereal????”

“Just find some little kids and follow them around and film them. I’ll pay your bail. Maybe.”

“If this face doesn’t scream ‘I love kidzbop’ I don’t know what does”

“Oh, buttsacks”

“My idiocy is adequate”

“You’re the tallest, whitest dude in the school. If you think you can sneak anywhere, you’re wrong. Just assume I’m a reptile. If you don’t move, I won’t see you.”

“I’ll make a micronation up your ass”

“I’d chase a car down. I have legs the size of legs.”

“I consented myself!”

“I will eat your duck. I will eat it. I will lick it. Yum.”

“All birds have twitter”

“I will grasp you firmly”

“I figured out the purpose of that bird”

“D’ya think this is slavery?”

“Jizz created everything!”

“That’s ok, I like being fondled”

“Why does it need to be so thick??”

“Sometimes, I envy bears.”

“Dracula? More like Jackula”

“I’ll drink the SHIT out of that cow.”

“Don’t gimme sass, or I’ll slap your ass”

“Oh, like it’s MY fault you shoved a finger down my throat”


“You didn’t consent to anything. I just did it. Get bamboozled, neeerrrrd”

“Elevate me daddy”

“It’s jesus time”

“You must consume your motivation”


“Don’t eat seafood if you’re allergic to seafood.”

“How do you stick foreskin in foreskin??”

“I will bang my hand if I wanna bang my hand, for the love of god. You can’t stop me from banging my hand!”

“I can’t tell if my ear is going to explode, orgasm, or both”

“SUCK ME HARD wait don’t”

“I need to wear a glove, it’s the equivalent to a condom, especially when someone wants to fuck your hand”

“OOOAAAHHHHH I have been illuminated!!”

“You don’t need to shove it into my ear, just give it to me!”

“I wish to consume suicide”

“He is my pet. I will cage him, very aggressively. He’s into that.”

“I have glasses in my crotch”

“They added powder… to increase chewing potential”

“No one wants bulges!!”

“Because. Everyone else is trying to work, while we’re over here jerking off.” *makes masticating noises*

“Technically? Yeah, law broken, but…”


“Just… Please fiddle around with it.”

“I will lick your finger and shove it up your ass. Not in that order.”

“Oh yeah? I just kissed my forehead. Get bitched.”

“That’s an absolute must-do.”  “You’re an absolute must-do”

“Let’s go on a feeling journey!” “I’ll feel you”

“Here’s your jew of the day!”

[stabbing table with whiteboard marker] “THERE’S SO MUCH BACTERIA!!”

“As long as it’s not frontal, what could go wrong?”

“Chris gently strokes the spherical object”

“With the power of air, I shall swoof your hair”

“Can you make porn with better than 20/20 vision?”

“Have you seen my stroking skills?”

“All I heard was ‘I’m trying to have a romantic discussion with my hair'”

“Nooo, my hairy legs”

“I’m dripping and I’m sweating, I’m a really loud vomiter.”

-Emily Stirling


“I’ll stick a pencil up your ass. And they will be very sharp. And aggressive.”

“Touch my arm and I will be very unhappy with the current circumstances at which you’ve presented me with”

“Don’t interact with young kids and their memes”

“Go eat Sam.”

[Looking at a photo of himself] “Whose legs are those? Those are handsome legs.” 

“Have I successfully groped that thing on the thing that I groped?”

“I did FAR more than grope”

“Pac-Man’s gonna kill everybody.. Waka Waka fear me!”

“If you’re not a furry, you are now”

“In each hand, you hold a gay”



“Oh fuck me in the bum”

“Shitty.. dangit.”

[spoken with confidence] “5+6 is 9”

“After working at the tree for a while, you produce two faggots.”


“This isn’t sitting, this is rape!”

“Because! It will penetrate all the holes!”


“I will taser your butt, with a stick”

“[A dildo] is a weapon on your shorts”

“Just throw it inside me”

“Not my fault your propaganda looks like porn”

“Stop touching me or I’ll touch you back”

“Oooohh, that’s… a big stick!”

“Don’t demonstrate it on me, do it on your own leg!!”

“I would gladly kiss a koala. I’d lick his throat.”

“If I were to shtick this dick in the computer, would it read the files?”

and the quote that started it all…

“Every time I see a photo with a 5D, boom, there go my shorts”

-Nick Sterner